Disclaimer: This is a hard one to write, so please read prayerfully and with grace. I much prefer to write from a place of looking back, once the storm has passed so that I can share the happy ending. But sometimes it is more important to share in the storm itself, so that God's goodness and mercy, His grace, and justice, and power, can be more fully displayed. I pray that this will reach the person it is for. The one who needs to know broken is beautiful, and God wastes nothing.
Romans 8:28 "We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." (NRSV)
This happened a few weeks ago, and to be honest?
I'm still a bit mad about it.
It was an accident with one of the kids. I can't say for sure which one did it, because I wasn't in the room, but I have my suspicions. What I do know is that they had no idea the significance of this mug. To be fair, until it broke I didn't really know the depth of what I had attached to it either.
This mug was the last of a set of four that came with matching plates, bowls, and cutlery. It was the set that my Dad purchased for me when I moved in to my first apartment. I have loved those dishes for almost 15 years. I have had them longer than I have known my husband. They have moved with me to multiple apartments, cities and even to a new province. They have brought a smile to my face when everything else felt heavy or out of control. I have used those dishes to serve friends and family simple meals, and I have spent many mornings sipping coffee out of those mugs. It might even have been the mug I used the last time I served coffee to my mother, in my own home.
Grief is a tricky beast, sucker punching you with the strangest things at the most inconvenient times. Staring at that pile of ceramic shards, I identified with the wreckage. It is more than wistful longing for the simpler days of my early adulthood, a reaction to the ripple effects of recent global traumas, or even the heart wrenching loss of my mother that I am still processing. It's a culmination of many years of difficult emotions, hard losses and small disappointments all stacked on top of each other, coming to a head with yet one more crisis that needs to be dealt with.
I feel shattered.
I am all jagged edges and sharp splinters, ready to cut the first person who dares to brush up against me. I am angry, and frustrated, and disappointed. I find myself desperately trying to hold back the tidal wave of rage over silly little things because it is all just too much, and that really was the last straw. I am struggling and I am not okay.
But the story is not going to end here. Like David writing his Psalms expressing his distress, pouring out his hurt and ache before God (even going so far as accusing God of being asleep at the wheel sometimes), I will release the pain to God and remind myself of who He says He is, and what He has promised.
Psalm 31
Psalm 42
Psalm 91
These are just some of the many examples of less than awesome circumstances, turmoil, big emotions, and a God who is still God in spite of it all. Personally I have always found Jeremiah 29:11 incredibly inspiring, but not just because God promises His people that He has a plan and it is good. The part that draws me in and lifts my eyes back to God when I am feeling crushed under the weight of all things that are not going the way I wish they would, is that this promise was made to Israel during the exile in Babylon. Even though they were living in a land that was not the one God had promised to them, and even though they had been removed from that land because of their own hard heartedness and poor choices, God had not forsaken them. He promises that if they will seek Him with their whole heart, He will be found by them. He promises them that good things are coming, that even here in the middle of their exile they can still experience His blessing and abundance.
So even though I do not have any answers for my questions right now, I will still say that God has a plan. Even though I feel as though everything is in chaos, I will still say that God is in control. Even though I am confused and hurting, I will still say that God is good and I can trust Him.
I am not okay, but I will be. Because God is still God, and He's good with shattered things.
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