172 days.
It has been 172 days since the last time I posted anything on this website. First, I want to apologize for the unexpected hiatus. There has been a lot going on and most of it has been very hard. Much like Job, we have experienced a series of big losses over the last several years, but the last year has been especially packed with unfortunate events. Also like Job, I have been sitting in silence with a lot of it. Fortunately for me, unlike Job, my friends don't suck.
Just a few days ago, right as we were beginning to feel as though we were getting back on our feet, we experienced another major set back. I reached out to a dear friend (who is also in a prolonged season of weathering category 5 hurricanes in her own life) because I knew I could vent the frustration and count on her to pray for us without judgement. She showed up at my door with cheesecake and stayed to listen and encourage. Other trusted friends had also been alerted to the fact that we were going through something and were holding us in prayer. God provided many faithful prayer warriors to hold us up as we processed.
While my friend helped me talk my way through the latest development, never once did she invalidate my pain by suggesting that I should be grateful to have the problems I do, because there are much bigger horrors taking place all over the world. She did not give me platitudes or tell me that I just need to focus on the good things. She did not tell me that God wouldn't give me more than I could handle, or that He gives his most difficult battles to His strongest warriors, or anything else that might imply that I can and should just "positive mindset" my way out of the darkness.
If I am honest, I haven't been writing about the beautiful, holy moments in my everyday because that involved actually acknowledging that there could be anything good in this very difficult season. I didn't want to do the hard work of searching through the dumpster fire of circumstances for something to be grateful for. I was tired of watching friends and family go through tough, heartbreaking storms and being unable to do much to fix it, because I am barely keeping my head above water between the relentless waves myself.
Instead of giving me a pep talk, my friend chose to enter in and sit in the darkness with me. She gave me room to ride the waves of frustration, disillusionment, and grief. She reminded me that God is not only present in the good things, but He is also with us when there appears to be no good things left. As another dear friend put it, she provided "a place, space and permission" for me to wade through the conflict between my head and my heart, and gently guided me back to who I really am, at the core. (That's not to say she didn't give me a couple swift kicks when I needed them. She's pretty good at that too.)
There's a lot we can learn from Job's story about how to handle sitting with someone in their grief, disorientation, and pain. Job's friends blamed Job for his pain, implied that he was at fault for all of the tragedy that had occured, and dismissed his heartache. God didn't beat around the bush with Job's ego when he started accusing God of not holding up His end of the bargain, but He did provide Job with the room to have his questions and never shamed him for his emotions. He was tender with Job's heart.
Things are still not great. It will take time to build us back to where we were, and I am certain there will be more hiccups along the way, but I am thankful that the God who was present in Job's pain and who walked with him through the rebuilding process is the same God who is here with me now, and guiding me forward by His Grace. I am grateful that I do not have to sit alone in my pain.
And that I don't have friends like Job's.
Life Update: In the middle of all the chaos, we also recieved a beautiful reminder that Life goes on. Today marks one month with our newest Little Man. Although things here have been crazy and maybe not what I would have chosen, I am so grateful that he is here. Blessings all!
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